Today was not a good day

Monday 1st August 2011

I had no sleep that night. I tried listening to an audio book on my MP3 player but I got bored with that. I tried reading my Kindle but got bored with that. I even tried watching ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ on my MP4 player. That didn’t work either….

I was so low that I spent the day crying. It was ridiculous. After a crying session I’d calm myself down, then something trivial would trigger the tears and off I went.

One occasion was reading something on the internet. It was a little quiz to see if you were suffering from depression. The answer came back to say ‘you are suffering from depression – see your GP for treatment’. I burst into tears !!!!

Later that evening after we had finished our dinner, John suggested I had a little nap on the sofa for half an hour. He got me my blanket and ‘Bengy and Albert’, my Westie cushion and tucked me in.

“I’ve put QVC’ on for you, he said, switching on the satellite box.

When I’m tried but can’t sleep I put QVC on, and it sends me straight to ‘the Land of Nodd’.

John woke me two hours later…..

Typical Mam

Friday 29th July 2011

My low moods were still getting me down, however I was trying my best not to burst into tears.

My Mam asked me when I was next at the doctors.

“I go on Wednesday”, I replied.

“Is she going to change your tablets”, she asked.

“I’m not sure”, I said, my voice changing pitch as I was trying to stop myself from crying.

“What’s the matter”, she enquired.

“It’s my moods”, I said, tears now streaming down my cheeks, “I’m feeling so low at the moment”.

My Mam looked at me then snapped, “cheer up, will you !!”.

Thanks Mam….

Later that afternoon when we were chatting away about something my Mam said, “I don't know how to say this as you'll just start crying again...”

Great one for compassion is my Mam. I never did get to know what it was that would have made me cry again......

Sleepy head

OK so Spring turned into Autumn.... Here's the next installment of the Joint Journals.

Tuesday 26^th July 2011

Oh, to have a good nights sleep !!!!!!!

First, it was my right knee giving me painful sleepless nights then it was my ‘pressure sore’. Now it’s my hip (or rather lack of it) and my back.

Whenever I need to turn over in bed I have to actually wake up as my leg is so floppy without a hip it can’t move on it’s own. Sometimes it’s hanging out of the bed, others times it’s in weird and wonderful position either in the bed or on my body….

Lying in bed sometimes brings the worst out of my pains so the slightest movement sets it off.

Now there’s a new ‘kid on the block’ to keep me awake , my wrist, as one of the symptoms of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is severe pins and needles. If that wasn’t enough depression can cause sleepless nights.  

To try to help me get off to sleep – or rather to relieve the boredom – I listen to audio books on my MP3 player. So far I’ve ‘read’:

• Great Expectations
• The Secret Garden
• The ‘What Katie Did’ series
• The ‘Anne of Green Gables’ series
• Sense and Sensibility (twice)
• Pride and Prejudice (twice)
• The Railway Children
• The Secret Garden
• Little Women

I’m also putting my Kindle to good use. As I don’t want to disturb John by putting on the bedside light to read, I bought myself a headlight so I feel like a child secretly reading under the bed covers.

Amazon offer free download books for the Kindle so I’ve been building up my Kindle library. Most of the books aren’t really my type but I’m not after a good read. I’m after something that sends me to sleep.

Tonight was a bad night for getting no sleep. I tried my audio books and my Kindle but it wasn’t until 5am that I finally got off to sleep.

When John’s alarm went off at 7.30am I could have cried. After we have breakfast and John has gone upstairs to get ready for work, I would normally read the newspaper until he’s ready to leave for work. This morning I pushed the newspaper to one side of the sofa and laid my head on the arm of the sofa.

The next thing I knew John was wakening me to say he was off to work. I had no recollection of going to sleep.

After kissing John off to work I crawled back into bed and didn’t wake up about 11.30am. Again, I had no recollection of nodding.

That night, like many nights, come 9.30pm/10pm I was fighting to keep my eyes open. Thankfully John understands and doesn’t mind me falling asleep when we’re watching TV or a DVD.

It now happens so often that John asks if I’d like my blanket and cushion when we settle down for the evening…..